Feb 13, 2017
Single people, like short people, got no reason to live.
Whether or not you agree with this depends on whether or not you
attend church and are a single person. Peaches and I discuss single
status and Christianity. We analyze the use of the word 'single'
when the word 'divorced' is more accurate. We're not saying it's
dishonest but it's not honest. Peaches tries to explain that
married people are like paper glued together. She's weird like
that. We think divorce isn't something to celebrate. We think it's
kinda sad and painful and awkward.
We puzzle over how some people talk about divorce like it's a
force of nature. Then I worry about incurring the wrath of my mom
again. (Mom comes later in the podcast and she's not too mad. She
gives me a Christmas present!) I start contradicting myself
because, as usual, I start talking before I finish thinking.
Then I just keep talking. And I admit my undying
affection for single people.
Sometimes single people yell at me for not talking about
single people when I'm speaking at marriage conferences. And
if you're single, and still listening, I'm impressed! I've
offended myself multiple times already. If you're feeling
disconnected, maybe the problem is yours. Maybe... Maybe...single
people can still treat other people like a spouse. (It
doesn't mean what you're thinking.) Then I talk about Brad. And he
makes me kinda sad. Sad Brad.
THEN... BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND --- GRANDMA TURBO!
She readily admits her age. Then she tells me why I shouldn't
have asked. The two of us exchange Christmas gifts because our
family is horribly disorganized. I ask my mom where I was made and
it wasn't "China". She doesn't get more specific. Mandy books
my rental car for an upcoming trip and gives Hertz our home number
as a fax number. We spend the rest of the conversation answering
the stupid phone. Thanks, Peaches.
Then Mom tells us about taking a bus trip. That's what old
people do. I make fun of my dear mother for this and then Peaches
reminds me that my wife actually OWNS a bus. We're such hicks.
Then we talk about Mom feeling alien as a single person in
church. We talk about my Dad (who will probably appear on the
podcast at some point...when I work up the nerve.) Emmi runs
out of cereal and makes some strange noise. My mom
essentially calls me a heartless machine. Turbo gets a little
emotional which makes me squeamish and confirms the accuracy of the
Hertz! Stop calling me! I don't have a fax
Mom says she repeats her mistakes. I'm curious if I'm one of
those mistakes. She says 'no', but that's what moms are supposed to
say. We try to figure out how to determine which events in
our lives are mistakes. Mom quotes Aslan, who isn't even a human
We finally block Hertz.
Everybody on Earth is in a relationship with everyone else on
Earth. Mind blown. Mom's are experts at feeling like failures.
Relax and enjoy some Necco wafers.