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John Branyan's Comedy Sojourn Podcast

Feb 13, 2017

Single people, like short people, got no reason to live. Whether or not you agree with this depends on whether or not you attend church and are a single person. Peaches and I discuss single status and Christianity. We analyze the use of the word 'single' when the word 'divorced' is more accurate. We're not saying it's dishonest but it's not honest.  Peaches tries to explain that married people are like paper glued together. She's weird like that. We think divorce isn't something to celebrate. We think it's kinda sad and painful and awkward.
We puzzle over how some people talk about divorce like it's a force of nature. Then I worry about incurring the wrath of my mom again. (Mom comes later in the podcast and she's not too mad. She gives me a Christmas present!)  I start contradicting myself because, as usual, I start talking before I finish thinking.  Then I just keep talking.  And I admit my undying affection for single people.
Sometimes single people yell at me for not talking about single people when I'm speaking at marriage conferences.  And if you're single, and still listening, I'm impressed!  I've offended myself multiple times already. If you're feeling disconnected, maybe the problem is yours. Maybe... Maybe...single people can still treat other people like a spouse.  (It doesn't mean what you're thinking.) Then I talk about Brad. And he makes me kinda sad.  Sad Brad.
She readily admits her age. Then she tells me why I shouldn't have asked. The two of us exchange Christmas gifts because our family is horribly disorganized. I ask my mom where I was made and it wasn't "China". She doesn't get more specific.  Mandy books my rental car for an upcoming trip and gives Hertz our home number as a fax number. We spend the rest of the conversation answering the stupid phone.  Thanks, Peaches.
Then Mom tells us about taking a bus trip. That's what old people do. I make fun of my dear mother for this and then Peaches reminds me that my wife actually OWNS a bus. We're such hicks.  Then we talk about Mom feeling alien as a single person in church. We talk about my Dad (who will probably appear on the podcast at some point...when I work up the nerve.)  Emmi runs out of cereal and makes some strange noise.  My mom essentially calls me a heartless machine. Turbo gets a little emotional which makes me squeamish and confirms the accuracy of the 'heartless' accusation. 
Hertz!  Stop calling me!  I don't have a fax machine!
Mom says she repeats her mistakes. I'm curious if I'm one of those mistakes. She says 'no', but that's what moms are supposed to say.  We try to figure out how to determine which events in our lives are mistakes. Mom quotes Aslan, who isn't even a human (or real). 
We finally block Hertz.
Everybody on Earth is in a relationship with everyone else on Earth. Mind blown. Mom's are experts at feeling like failures. Relax and enjoy some Necco wafers.